


Before I Drown

by FairyRose11



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s07e02 Hello Cruel World, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 02:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3471233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyRose11/pseuds/FairyRose11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's final thoughts as the Leviathans take over. His regrets, and his fears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Drown

It’s so horrible.

Castiel has never quite understood the agony of being possessed, of being a prisoner in your own body. He has felt pity for Jimmy Novak, the man he still needs to wear in order to stay on Earth, but being taken over, by an angel, it can’t, it can’t feel like this.

Castiel can feel the leviathan writhing inside him. They want to escape. They want to rip his body apart and burst out of his flesh and tear and eat until everyone in this room besides them are dead.

Cas can’t allow that. He has screwed up so much already, made such a mess of things. He cannot even bring himself to think of all the people he’s killed. Whether or not the leviathan were controlling him, driving him to utter madness is irrelevant. He let them out. It is his job to end this before one of his friends dies.

Cas can still see out of his eyes. He watches as they laugh and threaten Dean and Bobby, as if they are nothing, just sacks of meat. 

They are nothing, the leviathan say.

Not to Cas. He sees the horror in Dean’s face, and somehow, Cas’ legs move; he can walk away. He is not going to hurt them. 

He can feel the leviathans’ fury. They want to badly to rip, to destroy. Cas may have been the one to set them free, but now he is defying them, and they hate him for that.

If he could fully control his limbs, Cas might have laughed at them. Instead, all he can do is force himself to leave this room, as quickly as possible. 

He staggers outside. He thinks, how can he stop them? He does not have his angel blade with him; he left it behind when he was insane and drunk on his new powers. He’d believed himself invincible. 

Castiel is cursing that now when he sees the lake. 

It is his best option. He could stay and let Dean, or Bobby, or Sam stab him to death. But he knows them too well. They will look at him, and they’ll see Cas, not the creatures pulsing under his flesh. They’ll hesitate, and then they will die.

Just a little while ago, Cas was doing all he could to expel the creatures of Purgatory from his body. Now, he holds them in. His vessel is going to explode; he can feel it, and he refuses to die without taking the leviathan with him.

Cas can hear footsteps behind him. Dean. Sam. Bobby. He wishes that his last words to Dean weren’t just an order to run. He wants to say something now, a goodbye at least, to the one he cares for most, but there is no turning back.

He enters the lake, feeling the ice cold water pummel him. For a single moment, he thinks that perhaps he has won after all.

Then he hears it: hears them, the voices he’s been trying to block out. The leviathan. They are not frightened or angry. They are triumphant.

No, Cas thinks exhaustively.

It was a trap. Of course it was. Just as they had before, the leviathan warped his brain, let him believe he was in control. Cas finds that he isn’t surprised. It did seem too easy, after all.

Cas knows what they are thinking: pipes. The leviathan went into the pipes, and they’ve used him to walk right to their escape hatch.

Cas is sinking by this point. Even if he wanted to try and swim, the leviathan wouldn’t let him. They have him now. 

In the last moment before his body ruptures, Cas pictures Dean’s face. He thinks, Dean will never forgive me for this. 

Which is a good thing. Cas has put the entire world in danger. He’s murdered and tortured innocents. He’s betrayed everyone he’s ever cared about. He doesn’t deserve Dean’s forgiveness.

Perhaps, Father, this I why I couldn’t find you. I never was worthy.

The leviathan squirm and escape, as Cas is ripped apart. 

It hurts. 

Then, I’m sor-


End file.
